It’s hard not to be embarassed

by Tina ~ January 5th, 2009

When I had weight loss surgery in 2007 I made a commitment to changing my life. And I did, up to a point.

I had lost over 100 pounds and when I got on the scale today I was up 21 pounds.   Since April 2008.  Since I got my new job.  All I’ve done is eat.  Never before had I considered myself an emotional eater but man does this ever prove that I am.  I was sick to my stomach to think that after all the work I was going in the wrong direction.

Honestly, I never exercised and I do know that was why my weight loss slowed and I’m sure it contributed to the weight gain.  The main culprit is my consumption though.

Junk food and more junk food.  Vending machine food.  Pizza.  Chinese.  You name it, I ate it.

And it is embarrassing.  Very embarrassing.  And so very like me.  For some reason it seems that I don’t do commitment very well.

Anyway - today I am starting to re-invent myself again.  Time to get control of both my eating and my lack of exercise!  First a 3 day liquid protein diet - to purge myself of carbs.  Then a reintroduction of lean, heavy protein.  Start exercising tonight!  After all, I got a Nordic Track Elliptical machine sitting in my house.

Taking all my vitamins, eating well, exercising and overall taking care of me again.  I’ve only got this one life.  It is important I live it the right way.

2008 - yeah, that year kinda sucked.

by Tina ~ January 1st, 2009

2008 has been a year of change for me, a lot of change.  To be frank I haven’t enjoyed all of the change but…what can you do?  Life sometimes comes at you and before you know it you are looking over your shoulder saying “What the heck?!”  In light of that, sit back and be ready for a long, winding post that may at times make very little sense.  I haven’t shared too much of what has been going on in my life for a multitude of reasons but the silence is being broken.

By nature I am an introverted person.  Crowds and groups of people bother me.  Talking about my personal life, deep personal life, is hard.  Sharing is something that does not come easily unless it is with a friend I’ve known for years or a family member who has known me forever.  Even then I can be selective and it tends to get worse when I get depressed or out of sorts.  Serious things, I take those deep inside of myself and examine them pretty critically.  Being introverted I guess I’m pretty introspective too.  And my self examination can take a very long time.  While examining like this I get pretty withdrawn and to those of you I do normally share with - I apologize for not  being myself since April of 2008.

Thankfully it’s not going  to take me a full year to get back on track.  Though in the past its taken me several years.  I remember this one time I shut down for nearly 2 years…

In April the major changes started with a decision to take a new position within my current company.  It was a hugely difficult decision to make because I truly loved my job as a customer service representative.  Not only did I have good hours and decent pay, I was excellent at what I did.  In 2007 I ranked as #5 out of 105 employees.  And I was rewarded by my employer for those achievements.  But you know what?  That was not the best part of my job.  The best part was the people that I worked with.  They made me laugh, they challenged me and they brought out the best in me.  My peers and my management.  I knew that was important, valuable, but I didn’t realize how much so until it was gone.

When I did decide to take my new position as a case manager I thought that, being in the same company, the atmosphere would be the same.  God, was I terribly wrong.  Over the past few months I’ve hinted that it has been difficult.  I’ve been really hesitant to post about because, well, my name is all over the place and my bosses could easily Google me and find this blog.  Well, it’s time to come somewhat clean.

The environment I went to was and continues to be very hostile.  While people are friendly and I really do enjoy working with many of them the over all ‘feeling’ of the place is not all warm and fuzzy.  In and of itself case management is a very stressful job.  Not only are there a lot of nit picks with coding and documentation, many of the groups have special processes that are not always well documented.  The goals you are expected to meet are not always clearly laid out.  Feedback is sporadic and sometimes has the feeling of a pat on the head rather than addressing any real issues there might be.  You are making decisions that effect people’s income, rationalizing the approval or denial of benefits for an illness or injury.  That’s tough.  Then overall, people are not happy.  One person described it as ‘they eat their young here’.  It’s more like they eat everyone.

My training started in April and it was terrible.  Death by PowerPoint.  The actual practical training - the building and management of medical claims was short and not well delivered.  By the end of May, early June my training class was ‘on the floor’.  We had been assigned managers and were building and making decision on claims.  All of our work was checked by someone and once reviewed we were notified and advised to contact the claimant to  let them know the decision.  While I understand and agree with the work being checked the system itself was not very efficient.  There were of us in the training class.  At the highest point we were each doing around 8 claims a day.  There were 6 people reviewing those claims.  It caused delay in getting claims reviewed.  Because of the number of claims being looked at, when there were errors we were not able to be ‘coached’ (one-on-one discussion about the error and how to avoid it in the future) so while we knew we made errors we didn’t always know why they were errors.

Long story short - I never felt like I got the training I needed.  What I’ve learned I’ve learned on the job.  That is not always a bad thing but there is no grace period for that learning on the job.  Errors I made while I was trying to figure out what the hell I was supposed to be doing affected my overall performance rating for the year of 2008.  While I don’t know what my rating is this year I know it simply can’t be as good as it was last year.  I feel like I’ve been working for a totally different company.

Over the past 6 months or so I’ve gotten good feed back from my immediate supervisor and co-workers.  That’s good.  I’m just emotionally exhausted because I feel like I’ve been traveling uphill with 100 pounds of bricks on my back.  While it’s illegal to require overtime it’s been highly encouraged since the summer.  One of the reasons I took this job was because I would hopefully be able to work from home.  One of my fears at this point is that if I don’t do the overtime, when it comes to trying to get a work from home position, I’ll get looked over for not being a team player.  I’ve put in some 60 hour weeks this year.  While taking two college courses online.

Oh yeah!  The college courses.  In the midst of all of this I got a wild hair up my butt about going back to college.  After nearly 20 years after my last formal education.  Why?  Damned if I know but I think it may have had something to do with being unhappy in  my current position and wanting to be ready for a move elsewhere.  My employer has a tuition reimbursement program that I applied for and frankly should not have had a problem getting approved for.  I fought for six months, finally having to get my local human resources rep involved before getting approved.  Three days after my classes ended.

That added a little bit of stress to my life because well, nearly a grand of school bills you are responsible for hanging over your head will do that to you.

After being introspective about my college education I decided not to continue.  With the over time not required, three teen-aged children, a wonderful husband and family and friends…I simply don’t have the time.  I ended up with an A+ in Criminal Justice.  I failed English.  Can you stand it?!  I failed English.  How could this happen you ask?  Simply put, I didn’t have the time to write the final paper.  No paper, failing grade.  That blows.  I’ll be responsible for paying for that class.  Thank goodness I’m working the not required over time.

My year has not been all bad.  All of the above simply consumed me and sucked me mostly dry.  My family and my friends have suffered.  I went from taking Ambien occasionally to taking it on a nightly basis.  My buddy Lexapro and I, we went from 10mg of happiness to needing 20mg.  The Ambien has provided endless hours of entertainment for my family though.  That stuff hits FAST.  I get kind of stupid if I take it before I actually have my behind in bed.  Even if I am in bed my husband tells me we have some pretty interesting conversations.  *grin*

2008 saw my baby girl turn 13.  Yes people, you saw that right.  Thirteen.  A teen-ager.  A young woman.  Starter adult. My baby.  Parenting has been the longest commitment I’ve ever made.  I’m not always happy with the job I do, heaven knows that I am my own worst critic, but she’s not a disaster so I can’t be doing it all wrong. She baffles me,she amazes me, she causes me endless frustration and I love her more than my own life.  Though currently she’s  not high on my list because she’s got 3 girlfriends over and they haven’t stopped yelling for the past 4 hours.  Thank goodness for Ambien or I’d never sleep tonight.

Every year I have a deeper and deeper appreciation for my mother.  It’s so ironic that there is no way you can understand the sacrifices parents make until you are a parent yourself.  Suddenly you see everything, everything, in a different light.  Every year I also see more of my mother in my own actions, my own appearance.  And I’m glad of it because my Mom, she’s an amazing woman.  If I can be half of what she is I’ll be doing pretty darned good.

I should probably break this post up into a few posts but I’m not going to.

The wonderful boys my husband provided for me continue to amaze and sometimes frustrate me.  But that is normal.  I hope. *snark*  Mr. Sixteen turned into Mr. Seventeen in December.  He’s still driving on his permit but I’ve got high hopes for him getting his license soon.  Hubby and I are planning on driving to Texas in February and if I can’t get vacation week off we’ll need to do it the week after vacation.  He’ll need to be here to watch the 13 and 14 year old.  He’ll need his license so he can drive to and from school (because he lives in a different school district).

The 14 year old played football for the first time this year  And he enjoyed it, plans on doing it next year.  We’re proud.  He’s bowling again this year too (along with the girl child) and continues to improve.

My husband continues to be amazing, supporting me though my nearly daily crises since June. The man really must be some sort of saint.

The Honda Fit we got in, what, July? It’s a souped up go-cart but I really like it.  Today I filled up for $10.00.  Makes me feel like  a kid again.  Not so good in the snow, which is not so good for where we live, but I’m holding out hope I’ll be working from home sometime early in 2009 and it won’t be a major issue.

At some point in the past few months Paul has torn down a good portion of the walls upstairs.  Wow! It’s a huge space.  It’s multi-colored but huge.  Once we’re able to actually get it finished it’s going to be something.  I’ve got my eye on some beautiful mission style lighting from Meyda Tiffany fixtures.  Perhaps we’ll be able to get those once we’ve won the lottery.  Something I’m hoping happens sometime in 2009.

What else? I’ve spewed nearly 2000 words so far.  And it’s now officially 2009.  Happy New Year!

I’ve got some resolutions that are not really resolutions.  More like wishes or hopes.  I want to be a better wife, mother and friend.  Those are kind of ongoing though.  I’d really like to get a Plum Nikon Coolpix so I can keep it in my purse and snap photos on a whim.  It seems like every day I see something I’d like to take a picture of.  I also hope to be more dedicated to this blog and more transparent while doing so.  Several years back I was actually doing pretty good and then I’m not quite sure what  happened.  I’m going to focus more on what I like about my job (it’s very challenging and I do like that) and not what makes me unhappy about where I am at.  I made the decision to be there and God knows my future better than I do so I expect He’s got plans for me.  I’m going to get back on track with my weight loss and start using the tool my surgeon created for me when I had surgery in March of 2006.  When I switched jobs I found out that I really am a stress eater.  And it’s not been pretty.  going to dig up my old pink jammies to take pictures in.  And I’m going to post them.  And I’m going to be accountable.  And I’m going to lose the rest of this stupid weight.  And have a tummy tuck.  And wear those flippin’ Lucky jeans that have been in my closet for nearly 3 years now.  Grrrr.

I haven’t had a facial since April.  My skin is a wreck.  No one sees it but me but man, I know it’s a wreck.  Maybe I can use some of that not required over time money to get some micro.

Anyway, that’s pretty much life from 2008.  It’s way past my bed time and it sounds like the girls are winding down.  Time to take the dogs potty and head off to bed.

Happy New Year everyone!  It’s my sincere prayer that everyone has a wonderful 2009

I have a home

by Tina ~ December 31st, 2008

anywhere-but-here-header-2I’m working on a big blog post for 2009 - updates and the like - but I came across something on a blog I follow that I simply had to post about.

My family and I are firmly middle class.  Both of us work and make decent money.  Should one of us lose our job though we would not be able to afford our home.  It’s a terrifying thought.  We are one downsize away from perhaps being homeless.

But there are people who are homeless.  People who have tried everything they could to stay afloat and have floundered instead.  Because of my serious lack of attention I’m sure this blog doesn’t have the readership it used to but I’ll post anyway.

Brandilyn Collins posted about a single mother, a widow, and her 16 year old daughter who have found themselves homeless for the New Year.  It’s tragic and it’s sad but it is a reality.

You can read about it on Brandilyn’s blog here http://forensicsandfaith.blogspot.com/2008/12/update-on-homeless-girl-mom.html

Or you can check out the blog of a 16 year old who amazes me http://destinationanywherebuthere.blogspot.com/

If you can help, please do so.

What a difference 20 years makes

by Tina ~ October 20th, 2008

Average Monday at the age of 16

  • 5:30 am:  awaken to the sound of my mother singing my name because I’ve ignored the alarm for 30 minutes.
  • 5:30 am - 6:45 am: fight my sister for the (pick one -shower, sink, phone, hair dryer, curling iron, one outlet in the bathroom, hair spray or a place at the 7 foot mirror).
  • 6:45 am: stand at the end of the driveway and try to look cool while waiting for the bus and fighting with my sister.
  • 7 o’something - around 3:00 pm: having my mind shaped by the educators of the day
  • 3:15: race my sister to the house, trying to be the first to the phone. Fight some more.
  • 3:15 - 5:30: grab a snack from the fridge, talk on the phone, watch tv, read a book
  • 5:30: eat the delicious dinner my mother has prepared after coming home from work.
  • 6:30 - 9:30 or 10:00: watch some more tv, read some more of my book, write in my room, fight with my sister over the phone, talk on the phone
  • 10:00: turn off the lights, steal the phone from my sister and talk to my best friend while hiding under the covers
  • sometime after 10:30 pm: fall asleep with the phone on my ear.

Average Monday at the age of 36

  • 5:30 am: awaken to the sound of my dog barking because she needs to go out and I’ve hit snooze several times over the past 30 minutes
  • 5:30 - 5:45: take the dogs outside
  • 5:45 - 6:30: shower, brush teeth, dress, do hair/make up, trip over dogs who think my feet are to sit on.
  • 6:30 - 6:55: go turn the lights on in the kids rooms, tell them it’s time to rise and shine sunshine.
  • 6:55 am: hustle the kids outside, drive them to school and drop them off.
  • 7:00 - 7:40: commute to work, make lists in my  head of things I’ll never get a chance to get finished today.
  • 7:40 - 8:00: putter around at work, log on to the computer, check email and get ready to go.
  • 8:00 - 4:30: work, work, work
  • 4:30 - 5:30: work an hour of overtime because I’m so behind I’ll never catch up.
  • 5:30 - 5:45: drive to WalMart, trying to remember everything I wanted to pick up but never got a chance to write down.
  • 5:45 - 6:15: pick up most of what I needed
  • 6:15 - 6:30: drive home, call my daughter to tell her to be waiting outside for me.
  • 6:30: pick my the girl child, drive her to school for drama club practice.
  • 6:40: get home and start to prepare the 2 pies my husband needs for work tomorrow.
  • 6:40 - 8:25: prepare pies, wash dishes, throw a load of laundry in, get the blankets out of the dryer and make the bed, get the garbage out of the bathroom, clean some stuff out of the fridge because tonight is garbage night, pie in the oven, pie out of the oven.
  • 8:25: put the 2nd pie in the oven and head out to pick the girl child up from practice
  • 8:35 - 9:00: get home, remind the girl child to clean the cat box, wash up the last of the dishes, take another load of clothes out of the dryer, throw another load in the wash.
  • 9:00: turn the computer on, check email, start writing a blog post.
  • 9:17: take 2nd pie out of the oven
  • 9:20: finish blog post
  • 9:21 - around 10:00 pm: wash face, brush teeth, take Tylenol for my aching back, take the dogs out and head to the bedroom
  • 10:00 pm: pass out in an Ambien induced stupor to end an average day.

I wish I had believed all the adults who told me my teen years were some of the best days of my life.  Don’t get me wrong - I love, love, love my life but man - was I clueless.

Mommy - I love you and you are my hero!

Welcome Marcher Lord Press

by Tina ~ October 1st, 2008

It’s here, it’s here.  The most amazing thing to happen to Christian Speculative fiction since…ever!

MARCHER LORD PRESS

Go forth and purchase all three wonderful new releases.  And get bonus books!

Go on…what are you waiting for!  Let’s make opening day amazing for them.

Tomorrow is the big day - Marcher Lord Press

by Tina ~ September 30th, 2008

Tomorrow is a great day for Christian Speculative Fiction - Marcher Lord Press opens its ‘doors’ and its first three books are up for sale.  There are some great prizes but you have to sign up for them TODAY!

CSFF Tour - Marcher Lord Press

by Tina ~ September 22nd, 2008

It’s been months since I posted for the Christian Science Fiction & Fantasy Blog Tour.  I simply haven’t had the time.  Honestly, I don’t have the time now but this is too important not to blog about.

October 1, 2008 is a big day for fans of Christian Science Fiction and Fantasy.  A very big day.  An exciting day!  The day that Marcher Lord Press opens it virtual doors and offers for sale it’s first three books!

Marcher Lord Press isthe brainchild of Jeff Gerke, who is the power behind Where the Map Ends (which has previously been featured on the CSFF tour).  A brand new small, independent press that bypasses the traditional Christian publishing industry to get Christian speculative fiction directly into the hands of the fans who devour it.

Though there are fans of the genre it seems there are not enough to justify enough of the books we want to read.  Jeff swooped in to meet our rabid reading needs and I am thrilled to hear it.

Thankfully I was able to get a hold of review copies of both Hero, Second Class and Summa Elvetica.  Of course I haven’t finished them yet but so far I am loving Hero, Second Class.  It’s cover is up on the top of my post.  And it’s written by a 19-year old.  19!  Nineteen!  Oh my, the book so far is wonderfully snarky.  Tongue in cheek.  Funny.  I wish I had the time to devour it in one sitting.  Maybe once I finish up this block of school assignments.  In the meantime, here is the synopsis from the site:

Hero, Second Class is a delightful roast of all the fantasy fiction elements we hold dear. It is said that only someone who loves something can truly lampoon it. So it is in this case. Bonds’ novel is a riot.

Quest with Cyrus, our young protagonist who aspires to be a Hero. But Heroes have a guild, you see, and lots of rules. One has to pay one’s dues, apprentice to a Hero in good standing, and comport oneself as befits a member of the Heroes Guild.

Cyrus is fortunate to be serving his apprenticeship during a True Crisis, during which an Arch Villain is on the loose. An ambitious hero-in-training could make quite a name for himself during such times.

Cyrus’s progress toward achieving his next level in the Heroes Guild is complicated by a wise-cracking dragon, a self-narrating knight, a droll zombie, and an attractive young woman who also happens to kind of be a cat.

On top of it all, Cyrus is discovering he has strange, non-standard-issue magical powers that definitely don’t fit into his plans. And the Arch Villain (along with sundry Villains Guild members) has suddenly taken an intense personal interest in our plucky young protagonist.

If Cyrus isn’t careful, he’s not going to live long enough to become a Hero of any class.

Once I’m done I’ll write a full review but I want to contribute to getting the word out about Marcher Lord Press.  It’s my hope and prayer that it will be a wild success, showering blessings on Jeff, the authors and everyone else involved in helping to make this dream a reality.

Check out what other bloggers have to say and come back tomorrow where I’ll talk a bit more.  About something relating to the tour.  :)

Brandon Barr
Justin Boyer
Keanan Brand
Kathy Brasby
Jackie Castle
Valerie Comer
Karri Compton
Courtney
CSFF Blog Tour
Stacey Dale
D. G. D. Davidson
Janey DeMeo
Jeff Draper
April Erwin
Karina Fabian
Kameron M. Franklin
Andrea Graham
Todd Michael Greene
Katie Hart
Timothy Hicks
Joleen Howell
Jason Joyner
Kait
Tina Kulesa
Mike Lynch
Terri Main
Margaret
Shannon McNear
Rebecca LuElla Miller
Nissa
John W. Otte
Steve Rice
Ashley Rutherford
Hanna Sandvig
Mirtika or Mir’s Here
Greg Slade
James Somers
Steve Trower
Speculative Faith
Jason Waguespac
Laura Williams
Timothy Wise

Overwhelmed, tired, hot and sweaty

by Tina ~ September 14th, 2008

First off - it’s too freeking hot for September.  85 degrees and HUMID.  Have I ever mentioned I hate humid?  Think I may have, at least once or twice. *sigh*

Started my two classes online on the 4th.  Holy cow, I spent the first week so overwhelmed I thought I was going to cry?  What in heaven’s name possessed me to sign up for 2 classes my first time back in school in 14 years?  Geeze!

The English class is not too bad, read a few essays and make a few posts and right now I am working on an outline and rough draft for an ‘adventure story’.  That I can handle without a problem.

It’s Criminal Justice that’s killing me.  Read 2 chapters, post one discussion question for the class for each chapter, respond to everyone who answers your question and then make sure to respond to 5 other dicussion questions for each chapter.  It’s A LOT of work.  Especially on top of a full time job, kids and Civil Air Patrol.

I’ll make it though it’s just a huge adjustment for me.  Honestly I’ve always been one of those people who didn’t agree with the idea of keeping your schedule so jam packed you didn’t have time to do anything else.  Now I find myeslf having to say no to things I’d like to say yes to because I’m so busy.

Am I going to stop school after this semester?  No, I’m committed to this.  Will I take 2 classes next semester?  Oh hell no!  LOL  I learned my lesson.  I do have plans to take a course duing the mini-semester which is usually between the main semesters.  I do have to take idiot math and I know when I do that it’ll be all by itself.

So we’ll see how it goes.  I don’t do change well so I’m fighting this but I’ll adjust.

Never, never, never forget

by Tina ~ September 11th, 2008

Update and stuff

by Tina ~ August 18th, 2008

This past Saturday hubby, the girl child and I went to the Herkimer County Fair.  Personally I’m not a big fair going.  Not much into rides.  The only thing that really appeals to me about fairs are the fried dough and Carmel apples.  LOL  But the girl child wanted to go and meet her friend.  Hubby and I had been sitting around the house all do being very unproductive so off we went.

Saw some cows, some pigs, ducks, chickens and truck pulling.  Ate fair food, spent an outrageous amount of money on lemonade and tickets for rides.  Watched people.  And went home.  It was several hours pretty well spent.  I don’t much get the truck pull though.  For those of you who are unenlightened it’s big 4-wheel drive trucks (some souped up and some not) who get hooked up to a 5000 lb tractor and pull it across a bunch of dirt.  There is lots of noise, both from the trucks and the crowds, and exhaust stink.  Yeah.  I don’t get it.  Maybe it’s a guy thing?  But no, there were plenty of women there.  I dunno.  I freely admit that some things are beyond me.

At this fair I saw something I had never seen before.  People selling grave stones.  Is there a more politically correct term I am not using?  Memorial stones? Grave markers?  Whatever.  It was strange.  There was a drawing you could enter too - to win $150.00 off your stone.  Have I missed this at other fairs?  Granted, when the kids were little we mostly went to church bazaars but I have been to a regular fair or two and I can’t remember seeing this before?

Anyway…

I purchased most of the books Paul and need for our classes on Amazon on Friday.  There is one I need that I can’t find used so I have to wait to get paid again so I can pony up $96.00.  Then Paul also needs to get some online thing for $50.00 for his math class.  I forgot how darned expenisive it is.  Both of our employers are paying the tuition but we have to pay fees and books.

The girl child and the middle boy start back to school on September 3rd.  Yippee!  Tomorrow hubby has to swing by the school to pick up the supply list so we can get them hooked up.  More $$$ out the window.  In addition to the $900.00 we had to put into Paul’s car.  Money, money, money…

Oh! Hey! Big flashes of lightning.  I’m off to get ready for work tomorrow and shut the computers down.